Siblings Without Rivalry is a book I had on my to-read list even before considering motherhood. It’s one that was recommended by Sydney Liann on one of her pregnancy posts many moons ago, and having since witnessed the almost fairy tale like relationship her children have with one another, it’s become my new bible.
And, as in any bible-like text, there are points that stood out:
Do not compare your children. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy,’ right? Well, it’s also the thief of good relations, apparently, which does make a lot of sense when you think about it. Making offhand statements such as ‘David is good at baking, but Alexis makes the most amazing cakes’ may seem innocent enough – after all, you’ve complimented both of your children, who yes I have named after the siblings in Schitt’s Creek for the point of this exercise – but in actual fact you’ve just unwittingly told one of your kids that the other is better than they are. Same goes for anything that compares their skills, however minor. ‘David walked at 9 months, Alexis is 14 months and isn’t on her feet yet,’ for example, or ‘Alexis was always the better dresser.’ The thing to remember is that as much as they are both your children, they are also individuals, and no-one wants to be constantly compared to someone else
And don’t label them. Similarly, giving a child a label can be damaging. ‘Alexis is the pretty one and David is the clever one’ might feel like everyone is getting their fair share of praise, but what your kids will hear is ‘Alexis is dumb and David is ugly.’ (Drawing an example from my own sibling relationship there. Sucks to be the David in that scenario.) Putting your children into boxes won’t help them, it will instead breed resentment, and possibly hurt their feelings. Instead, try to remember that there’s no harm in there being two ‘clever’ ones in the family (or two ‘anything’ ones). And there’s also no harm in stating ‘David is clever,’ without referencing Alexis at all
If a fight erupts, give your attention to the attackee, rather than the attacker. Often, children start fights to get their parent’s attention. So don’t give it to them. Give all of your attention to the injured party, and the firestarter will soon realise that picking on their sibling is not going to get the result they desire
Don’t treat your kids as equals. Because they’re not, they’re individuals, and it’s OK to acknowledge that. One good example in the book was that of not buying something for one child just because you bought it for the other. If only one of them needs new pyjamas, don’t buy the other new pyjamas for the sake of it. Instead, if challenged, say something like ‘Alexis has grown out of her pyjamas and needed new ones. When you grow out of yours, I’ll get you some new ones too’
And validate their feelings, in simple and straightforward terms. Sometimes all your children need is to know that you are listening. So if they come to you with a complaint about their sibling, let them complain. Let them get out whatever they have to say, and then validate the feelings that come up by parroting back your understanding of what you’ve been told. For example: “Alexis is a big poo poo head, she stole my trains!” “Alexis has upset you by taking your trains away, huh? I’m sure she didn’t mean to upset you, but I can see how that could annoy you.” Sometimes, we all just need to vent in order to dissolve our own frustrations. Children are no different.
The book has much, much more to offer, but I didn’t want to delve too much deeper for fear of giving too much away (which wouldn’t be fair on the authors!) And while some of these tips may seem obvious (and some might cause a eureka moment) it’s the case studies in the book that really make the advice hit home. Centred on an ongoing group therapy session between researchers/authors, Faber and Mazlish, and a set of real life parents, we get to experience the advice in action, as well as in theory. Discussion points are raised, difficulties are troubleshooted, and most everyone featured appears to have a positive story to tell at the end of their sessions. Which gives me hope for a better relationship between my sons than the one I had with my own brother. Mama would need a LOT of migraine meds to live through that again…
{Siblings Without Rivalry is available to buy on Amazon, here. Also available in some bookshops, though not widely stocked from what I have seen – best to call ahead and check, before making the trip, if you prefer to shop independent!}
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